We live in a society where tears have no place, where sadness is synonymous with weakness and where we try to be "happy" all the time and at the cost of anything regardless of the circumstances.
We live in a world where we are uncomfortable being sad or witnessing sadness in someone else around us and even worse if it comes from our children. We just don't know what to do or say when this happens.
When our children cry, we tend to say phrases like: "Stop crying," "It doesn't make sense what you're crying about," "Come on, let's go, wipe your tears and let's play," "Forget about that, it's silly . It's not worth it,``''boys don't cry, ”etc. and without realizing it, WE INVALIDATE ALL THEIR FEELINGS. And little by little we are teaching them that being sad is "wrong" and that to deserve our love they always need to have a smile on their face.
If we were to understand that nature is so wise and that everything has a purpose or a mission, even sadness; perhaps then we would relax and begin to NORMALIZE this experience. And above all we would stop seeing sadness as a negative, bad and undesirable emotion.
So what is the mission of sadness?
Simply, sadness helps to lower the level of activity, with the aim of saving resources and preventing us from making unnecessary efforts. That is, it acts in a self-protective way, it makes us focus more on ourselves and not on the painful stimulus.
In addition, sadness offers us the opportunity to connect with our loved ones and encourages us to seek comfort and social support.
What do children learn from experiencing sadness?
- They learn to value and appreciate moments of happiness.
- They get to know themselves better and they know that it is really important to them as well as what has great value in their hearts.
- They learn that sadness is just one more emotion out of the full range of emotions they can experience.
- They recognize that sadness is human and that others also have the right to feel it. It favors empathy.
- To focus on themselves. Sadness allows them to slow down and isolate themselves so they can reflect on what is happening to them and how it makes them feel.
- They understand that tears have a reason and that it is often the best way to find relief.
How can we teach our children not to deny and repress their sadness?
It is important to educate our children on their emotions. They need our guidance and guidance so that they are able to identify and express all their emotions, including sadness. The main message that our little ones should stay with is that it is NOT necessary to DENY or suppress their sadness.
Here, we leave you some tips that we hope can help you achieve it:
- Every time your children cry, validate their emotions by saying phrases like “You are very sad. I am here for you, ”“ This must be very difficult for you, ”“ Do you need a hug,? ” Let them know that sadness has a place in their lives and in yours.
- When they see you cry, don't lie to them saying "everything is fine." Speak truthfully to them by telling them that you are sad, that it is normal and temporary, and that perhaps all you need at this time is to be alone for a while, go for a walk, or have a glass of water (solution-based thinking).
- Never make fun of their sadness, or the reasons that may be causing it. It may be that for us as an adult the cause of their sadness is something so insignificant but for them it is something REAL AND IMPORTANT. Let's not minimize it.
- If it is a child who can already speak, ask him or her to explain in his or her own words what makes him or her feel this way. Together you can reflect and go further.
- Help them build their own “emotional tool kit” so that when they are sad they don't try to run away from the situation but rather know how to cope. A simple way to equip them with tools is to present hypothetical situations so that they think in advance what could be done in a certain circumstance.
Our invitation, dear parents and educators, is to provide our children with a safe space where the expectation is not ALWAYS to be happy, a space where they understand that crying is not synonymous with weakness. Crying is a very human trait.
We want our children to understand the importance of sadness and to know how to express it or manage it appropriately so that they do not have to hide it because as we well know this will not make it magically disappear.
Written by Claudia Soruco
Child psychologist
Bigibee